Sunday Night: Anxiety 1, me 0

Last night, 2AM and I lay wide awake. Gabe had a fever and bad cough. He wanted to lay on my lap so we lay there, him radiating 103 degrees of heat but cold so we had the covers on us, me sweating, worrying that he may have pneumonia. My right shoulder was hurting from a combination of an old car wreck injury and inconveniently, the same place I hold my stress. That is when the anxiety kicked in and provided my mind with fuel to race into overdrive for another hour, sporadically giving me bits of sleep for the rest of the night.

This form of anxiety induced insomnia hasn’t happened to me in awhile. I used to wake up pretty regularly around 3AM for about an hour until I upped my yoga. My yoga helps sleep pretty soundly and pain free. Even though it wasn’t working for me last night, I knew that by 8:30AM this morning, I would feel all better as the pain would get stretched out in yoga class. Then something hit me. What if I got pregnant again and couldn’t do my yoga due to morning sickness or the heat is too much for the baby? And then my mind – and shoulder pain – went to town. What if the baby is born and I can’t go to yoga or work out at all and I’m in worse condition than I was when Gabe was born. I don’t want to ever go through that again. Having another baby is definitely worth the risk and I’m 110% sure of that, I just wish I could do a better job of controlling it all sometimes. I have a shut off tool that usually works, it’s when it doesn’t that I lose and the anxiety wins.

On a brighter note, this morning I am pain free (and sleepy). I was right after all, yoga made it all better. It also cleared my head and made me realize that what I didn’t have with Gabe was the knowledge that Bikram yoga existed and would work for me. Back then I didn’t know that I would ever get better which exacerbated the pain, anxiety, and depression. Now that I know I have it, there is no reason or possibility of my pain getting that bad again. Too bad I don’t think this clearly at 2AM. Maybe someone should consider opening a 2AM yoga class for insomniacs. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t attend.

By the way, Gabe is ok. He went to the doctor and may have a virus but his lungs are fine. His fever is lower today.

So hard, but so good

My alarm went off at 5:45am. I felt unbelievably sleepy and the alarm chime became part of some warm dream now forgotten. Then I popped out of bed, almost on autopilot. Walked into the bathroom where my yoga clothes were neatly waiting for me. I started to brush my teeth and that's when the pre-yoga head games began.

"I'm so sleepy, maybe I need more rest. I should go back to bed. No you're up now, you won't be able to go back to sleep. Go to yoga. But I don't think I drank enough water yesterday. I'll be exhausted. You'll be fine. I'm feeling sad, I need to snuggle Gabe. No, yoga will help you be a better mom to Gabe. What if I am cranky later because I haven't had enough sleep and I'm extra tired from not drinking enough water? You'll be fine. Go. But I can go tomorrow." Then it hit me that I can't go tomorrow and the game was over. The good side won.

Believe it or not. This conversation in my head took 5 minutes. It amazes me how powerful and consuming the lazy, sleepy side can be. Needless to say, I felt a thousand times better after I left yoga. Not 100 times, a 1,000 times better. No longer feeling sad, and I feeling super strong because I kicked some yoga butt (and pre-yoga head game butt). And being tired and "supposedly" not drinking enough water did not seem to slow me down. I hope I can remember all of this on Sunday AM, when the head games return.

Good job will-power and thank you yoga. I cannot express enough how happy I am to have found something that works for me on so many levels.

Love our mommy preschool

The last two weeks of mommy preschool have been super fun. Last week we learned a lot of new songs, decorated the first letter of our name and PEELED A BOILED EGG. Gabe loved that. He was very tenacious and concentrated during the whole process. This week, the topic was germination. We learned about how seeds grow - then planted seeds in our very own pot and watered them. Now we get to wait and watch it grow.

Potty training is going ok. He gets it best in the morning. The afternoons are more difficult. But practice makes perfect. We're still taking it slow.

Friends, friends, 1,2,3

All my friends are here with me. Gabe and I have been making some great new friends through our weekly coop preschool. Here is a picture of Gabe with his new friends Ruhi and Aryav (and his mom Payal).

The first day of potty training

It started out strong. No accidents until after nap time. It's going to be a long week.

Saturday nights

This past Saturday, we met some friends at Bird Park in North Park to listen to a band. Its a weekly event with tons of kids and parents running around. Gabe had a blast.

To preschool or not to preschool?

Ok it has been awhile since I last wrote but no time like the present to start again. So here goes... I have Gabe signed up for preschool in September. The thought of him going has me equally excited to have some grown up time to work from home (and make some extra money) but it also has me very, very nervous. Questions keep plaguing my thoughts: Is he too young? Is he still too attached? What if he needs me and I'm not there? Am I pushing him into preschool because his friends (and moms) are doing it? Am I doing it for selfish reasons (me time)? My other concern is that it is a German immersion preschool that is completely play based, and completely in German (in preparance for his K-8 German school in our neighborhood). Will he get overly frustrated? Will he feel lonely? What if he needs me? I'm 99% sure that I'm transferring. I mean first, PLENTY of kids learn second languages and they don't feel lonely - they just don't know what the person is talking about at first, simple as that. Also, every time I leave him at a friends house, he never wants to come home. Half the time when I go somewhere without him, he doesn't care if I'm gone. But its the other half that pulls at the heart strings. I mean, he will still be under 3 in September (ok, two months away from being three) but still...am I pushing him to socialize, to become well adjusted, to join the rat-race too soon? These are all questions and concerns coming from a stay-at-home mom, mind you, but he is a stay-at-home kid. We love spending time together, with other friends, but he still likes having me there.

I am torn but we will give it a try. Fortunately, he has two other friends that will be carpooling with us and one will be part of his class so he will never be dropped off alone. He tends to do better in these situations. And I will probably attend the school with him the first couple of times. I am hoping he loves it and looks forward to it each week.

On another note, I am part of a preschool coop where 8 moms and children get together once a week at alternating homes to provide our kids with preschool related tasks, friends, and overall environment. We read stories and sing songs and try to have circle time. The kids are learning to transition from playing to learning time to lunch to playtime. Its a great group of women. I absolutely love being a mom. I think it is amazing how parenthood introduces you to so many things that you cannot possibly experience outside of parenting and so many people that you probably never would have been friends with (or even met for that matter) were it not for kid. The picture below is from the coop preschool. Our theme for the week was bugs (that is what they are looking at). The top picture is of Gabe in a tent at our house with some preschool buddies.