Last night, 2AM and I lay wide awake. Gabe had a fever and bad cough. He wanted to lay on my lap so we lay there, him radiating 103 degrees of heat but cold so we had the covers on us, me sweating, worrying that he may have pneumonia. My right shoulder was hurting from a combination of an old car wreck injury and inconveniently, the same place I hold my stress. That is when the anxiety kicked in and provided my mind with fuel to race into overdrive for another hour, sporadically giving me bits of sleep for the rest of the night.
This form of anxiety induced insomnia hasn’t happened to me in awhile. I used to wake up pretty regularly around 3AM for about an hour until I upped my yoga. My yoga helps sleep pretty soundly and pain free. Even though it wasn’t working for me last night, I knew that by 8:30AM this morning, I would feel all better as the pain would get stretched out in yoga class. Then something hit me. What if I got pregnant again and couldn’t do my yoga due to morning sickness or the heat is too much for the baby? And then my mind – and shoulder pain – went to town. What if the baby is born and I can’t go to yoga or work out at all and I’m in worse condition than I was when Gabe was born. I don’t want to ever go through that again. Having another baby is definitely worth the risk and I’m 110% sure of that, I just wish I could do a better job of controlling it all sometimes. I have a shut off tool that usually works, it’s when it doesn’t that I lose and the anxiety wins.
On a brighter note, this morning I am pain free (and sleepy). I was right after all, yoga made it all better. It also cleared my head and made me realize that what I didn’t have with Gabe was the knowledge that Bikram yoga existed and would work for me. Back then I didn’t know that I would ever get better which exacerbated the pain, anxiety, and depression. Now that I know I have it, there is no reason or possibility of my pain getting that bad again. Too bad I don’t think this clearly at 2AM. Maybe someone should consider opening a 2AM yoga class for insomniacs. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t attend.
By the way, Gabe is ok. He went to the doctor and may have a virus but his lungs are fine. His fever is lower today.
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